(no subject)

 

I had an epiphany after doing some mindfulness meditation this morning.

The truth is, I live in my head.  I have as far back as I can remember.  My parents were unreliable, both nearly kids themselves when I was born.  My father was (and still is) an alcoholic narcissist who did drugs a lot in my early childhood (I can remember watching him doing cocaine at the old house in Rutherford, NJ that we moved out of just shy of my fifth birthday).  My mother is, well, she's her own handful-the largely unwanted middle child of her family with anxiety disorders that she denies to this day.  Who made her emotional well-being our business from a very young age and still tries to.

Then I got to middle school and was bullied in a way that most would consider fairly extreme.  I was assaulted, excluded, and made fun of while the adults just kind of shrugged and asked me gently, "Well, have you tried not being you?"

And, as far back as I can remember, I daydreamed.  I do it constantly.  I can navigate through conversations and down roads with scenarios playing out inside my head.  At least 85% or more of it is all fannish hurt/comfort.  Because I've always felt like I could never rely on or lean on someone when I was hurt and I as hurt so much as a kid.  The idea that you could be bleeding and sore and lost and rely on someone else to carry that burden and care for you was something amazing to me.  Something I could not even imagine for myself but I could for characters on tv.  So I do that constantly, living vicariously through the whumpee of the week and whatever trauma I mentally put them through, and them relying on others and just not having to be the strong one against overwhelming situations.  

The thing is, I'm not sure I'd be alive today if I didn't.

The thing is, I'm not a bullied 13 year old with two unstable parents who are actively using her as fodder to get back at each other every week.

The thing is, I think I've been re-victimizing myself, kind of reliving all the pain I went through, just as much as I am basking in the glow of that sweet, sweet comfort.  Because there is always heaps of hurt that comes first and I'm vicariously living that too.

And I'm not actually living my own life, not fully.  I mean, after I do the mindfulness meditation thing, the world's just more...there.  I don't know how to explain it.  Imagine stumbling downstairs half asleep in the morning, and taking that first sip of coffee on the deck.  It's sort of like that.

So, it's been a crutch.  I mean that more deeply than as a shallow cliche.  I was a tool I created for myself when I couldn't stand and walk on my own.  There was a time I really needed it.  But my life is completely different now.  I'm not in that situation anymore.  I'm not even just out of that situation right now.  I'm strong enough to stand on my own with a little work and exercise, so it's time I put the crutches down and do so.  Time to live in the present, not the past.

I'm sure this isn't going to be easy.  After all, it's how I've live for so long.  But anything you learn you can unlearn (my therapist likes to say) so here it goes.

I wish we could open our eyes

To see in all directions at the same time

Oh what a beautiful view

If you were never aware of what was around you

And it is true what you said

That I live like a hermit in my own head

But when the sun shines again

I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
 

-Marching Bands of Manhatten, Death Cab for Cutie

 

(no subject)

 In other news, I'm on a diet.  No, not to lose weight.  

People with POTS generally have blood pressure that's far too low as the basis of their problem.  Mine is usually around 90/60 but it's been lower than that a couple of times.  And we're supposed to go on a high salt diet.  Break out the chips and beef jerky!  lol  I'm trying to do this in a healthy way (though there have been chips and, though I'm not a fan, I have had some beef jerky because damn does that have salt in it).  I've also got some not POTS related symptoms of the gastrointestinal variety.  Since my mother and brother are lactose intolerant and since I've had some trouble with dairy and the past and since the 23 and me DNA test claimed I was lactose intolerant, I've decided to go a couple weeks without dairy and see how I feel.

This is day 2 and I already feel so much better on that front.

I also didn't take my meds today.  I wanted to see if my anti-anxiety meds are part of the problem since every day my dizziness gets worse.  I've barely been dizzy today.  I've gone from "barely functional" to "barely any trouble."  This stuff I've been on does have dizziness as a side effect but it was supposed to get better over time, not worse.  I might be the exception to the rule. I might go a few more days and see how I do.  Will the dizziness remain reduced?  Do I continue to have anti-anxiety medication or can a manage it with what I've learned so far in therapy?  Or maybe there's something else I can take.

In completely unrelated new, I am crocheting a blanket for my son (for Christmas).  Amelia wants one too.