Walk Unafraid

I've been officially diagnosed as having panic disorder now.  Living with panic disorder is a bit like living in a horror flick.  Life is tense.  You're always ready for the next horrible, scary thing but it still always comes a sudden shock.  What's worse, when you have have panic disorder, panic attacks often come without any specific triggers-they hit you out of the blue.  You can even be relaxed, enjoying yourself and WHAM! You're entire being is flooded with terror and an overpowering sense of doom.  Unlike flashbacks, you don't even have something within your mind that you can point to.  And panic attacks make you feel so out of control of your own mind.  They make you distrust your own body.  Every mild sensation in your body becomes a harbinger of death and doom.  Panic attacks and the constant internal flinching you try so hard not to do but do anyway causes your whole body to be tense, your head to ache, your stomach to feel unsettled.  

I'm had some setbacks lately.  But I've also had some progress.  Monday was bad.  I had one panic attack after another all morning.  My husband had to come get me and bring me home.  Yesterday I didn't have any panic attacks at all.  This morning I feel a bit more relaxed.  I think I've gotten a lot of my issues out through therapy, which is good, but it's one thing to come to understand the mental ruts that have gotten into this place and a whole other thing to get yourself out of them. Possible, yes, but it doesn't happen overnight.

So, that's my life now.